In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
fly smarter, not harder
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*launders Kohls cash*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.