breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.