The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
hey, alexa
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise