It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job