[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
me after drinking all the wine:
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming