ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!