The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Holy shit he’s back
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Previously On Persistence 😎
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.