am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
it’s the silliest best thing
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.