The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching