[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
brian had himself a morning…
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry