There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.