[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes