I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.