My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea