Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
cause of death:
autopsy.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak