Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I wish I were this cool 😂
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.