“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.