FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Pass gas, not judgment.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.