I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.