petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
You Might Also Like
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.