Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Best spoiler warning ever
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit