Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.