[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*jazz hands*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease