Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming