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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Teach your children to beatbox
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
she has a point
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.