I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.