🤣🤣🤣
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Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Just a bush.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.