I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…