Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.