You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?