Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
inventing words: clothing
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging