Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Oh no
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”