{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?