An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.