Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?