The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
three things we don’t talk about
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food