The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
You Might Also Like
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Haha good job!!
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb