When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”