Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
How dramatic are you?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
@funTweeters I am at your service….
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”