My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
2023 was just a warmup
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The symmetry is uncanny.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh