Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Birds & Planes.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.