If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef