Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?