I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Love is in the air fryer.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice