The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Godspeed, John Glenn
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.