Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
You Might Also Like
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Perfect
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.