*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
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Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.