I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
You Might Also Like
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Sheep
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter