I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Breaking news:
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there