People who are bad at hiding, I see you
You Might Also Like
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
They’re called werewolves.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?